My Ugly

 




My Ugly


What if being true to ourselves means being ugly–showing our distate for something or someone. Should we hide it?

I wonder if Buddhists  (in particular the Dalai Lama) feel disgust or dislike. Are they beyond all the pettiness? Do they have a deep acceptance of the way things are so they're not disturbed by it? I imagine that at least they don't feel aversion as much as I do.

It felt good to yell at my roommate the other day, so much was my frustration against him. I know I should feel guilty because it's a petty way of reacting, but I don't. I'm only sorry that I wasn't acting the way I want to see myself, not for what I said. It released what I had been holding in for months, and at least he knew how I felt. But I know I showed my ugly. I know it's not the calm, loving person I want to be.

I ask you: must we accept everything? Where does the acceptance end and the realness kick in? Is it more important to be real or to hide impatience?   

Maybe that's not the point: the point is not  to let impatience touch us. At least, that's what I think Buddhists do. I imagine that  impatience could come to the Dalai Lama, but he sees it outside of himself. He separates the feeling from himself so that it walks way.

I've seen a lot of videos recently about emotional intelligence. From what I understand, it's  all about truly feeling something. You must acknowledge what you are feeling, accept it, and when the moment is right, let it go. 

So, I'm confused as to how to deal with my ugly: is it better to live it to its maximum so I can let it go, or see it from a distance so that I can study it and hopefully let it  walk away?

Maybe I should just admit that I have dark sides as much as bright sides.   There must be a reason for them being there, other than the past coloring them with blacks and reds. Maybe they're trying to protect me in some way, a reaction to what I feel is unjust. I wouldn't be entirely human without them, or entirely whole until I incorporate them.

Humans are complex and I don't think we ever really know ourselves. There are emotions that we have  backlogged for years or thought we had forgotten, but one day come to the surface masked as something else.

I'd like to unmask all my dark parts: have them come to the surface so that I can truly look at them. Not to confront them, but to really listen.


Photo:   Engin Akyurt

https://www.pexels.com/photo/silhouette-photo-of-woman-1446948/

Text: Kristen Mastromarchi

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